Miscarriage Series - Part 3
This part three of a five part series, based entirely on miscarriage. It will talk about signs and symptoms of miscarriage, physical health, medical care, holistic care, physical healing, emotional healing, memorials, how to help a friend of family member, and will have three meditations available to listen to.
In my shop there is a document with every handout in one file, if you want to download them that way instead of individually from each post. There is a small fee for this to help with costs. The posts and handouts on each post are available for free, though donations are appreciated for the work to create this resource and also to help those going through a miscarriage. Links to donate are available at the end of each post.
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In part one I wrote what a miscarriage is and how it can happen, and in part two I wrote about medical care, holistic care, and how to help your body physically through a miscarriage. Those are things not talked about enough, as miscarriage is seen as shameful (only to ourselves, rarely ever do outside people think that).
So now that the physical is out of the way, let’s dive into the emotional. No one likes discussing grief and emotions, yet so much of miscarriage is tied to this, especially after it happens.
I’m sure most are aware of the Five Stages of Grief. It’s not something that I really think applies! Sure, there are five stages, but in grief, you don’t calmly go from one to another; you jump around. One day you may wake up and be completely okay with what happened, and then the next be a ball of anger that nothing can calm. It’s a process, and most times it lasts forever. Grief is the price of love.
This is one of my favorite graphics on grief, mostly because it perfectly explains what I went through. Yes, some may not grieve this way, but it’s still important to know if that isn’t you, because others might. Grief isn’t a straight system, it’s complex and messy and confusing.
None of this to say there isn’t help out there or ways to make the process easier! You do need to feel the emotions and grief, to find a place to put the love you had for the baby you couldn’t keep, even if you didn’t plan to keep it, because your body remembers everything.
It may seem out there, thinking of your body having memories, your body grieving even if the outcome was something you wished for, but there is a lot of evidence out there that muscle has memory, your body feels things that you may not realize were an issue, and we hold onto hard things without meaning to. Phantom limb pain, driving a car without thinking about how you’re doing it, being awake yet seeming to do things without being aware. All of those are signs your body knows what is happening even when your conscious mind doesn’t.
There are many options to help your grief and your emotions, though I will only go through a few:
Support groups, Community Care, and Online Resources
These can be in person, online in groups or message boards, over the phone, on zoom (since this is the way everyone is communicating currently!). You don’t have to do things in person to get the support you need during and after a loss.
There are a lot of amazing online resources, many of which I used myself when going through repeat miscarriages. Things have changed over the last decade, but they are still available and can be a wonderful way to get a friendly shoulder if you don’t want to tell those in your family what is going on.
Stillbirthday - Heidi has created a wonderful resource for all phases of loss, with birth plans, support groups, information, and more resources to help you find whatever you need to get through.
She also does a heart release every year, writing names of thousands of babies by hand, for free. Heart Release
Still Standing Magazine - A ton of resources on all stages of loss, including LGBTQA+, and an online free support group
Grieve Out Loud - The facebook page is also a great resource, with a free online support group. Their penpal program is one of the coolest parts of what they do. Years ago in the midst of everything, I was one of the penpals. I had five or six people I wrote to to check on, and also had a penpal for myself to write to when things were really bad. The way that loss parents love each other is such a wonderful part of a heartbreaking community.
They also have a massive resource page
If you are a health care worker, PLIDA is for you. The Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance is a formal network to increase awareness and training for loss support.
Share is a national organization for pregnancy and infant loss. They have chapters set up all over the country, and provide information and resources for families, providers, and those going through a loss. Most chapters have their own support groups.
Therapy!
This is not a bad word!! It is not wrong to need extra help from a professional. Money may be an issue for this, and many offer cash prices if you do not have insurance, and it can make a huge difference in your healing.
There are many kinds of therapists, and some even work solely online. It’s okay to take your time finding a good fit, and even if it’s just sporadic care, it can make a big difference.
Try to find one that is trained in grief, loss, trauma, if possible. If not, find one you fit with.
Self-Care
This does not need to be expensive spa days! It can be something as simple as eating a meal every day.
One of the pictures or PDFs is a self-care checklist, very simple things to make sure you are taking care of yourself in a hard time. It can be hard to remember to eat or drink, and showering may be too hard and require too much effort. All you can do is try, and that’s enough.
For many, there is nothing to remember their baby or pregnancy - not even stretch marks. You didn’t buy clothes, you didn’t make anything, you didn’t have anything to keep from the physical loss, and many may not even know you were pregnant and had a miscarriage. It can be hard to feel emotions when there is nothing tangible to grieve. This is where memorials come in.
Some cemeteries will allow the formal burial of any human remains, regardless of gestational age. They are more rare, and many states won’t allow burial before 20 weeks, or after the age of miscarriage. It sucks, and in turn makes cemeteries hard places for those without that physical place to go to grieve their loss. If this is something you want, many cemeteries will work with you, even letting you use other plots you own, like grandparents, and bury remains in the same place. Some even allow you to dig your own hole and have your own plot for a very small fee. The worst that can happen is they say no, so if you are wanting this, reach out.
Having a ceremony can be a healing experience
This can be something as simple as having friends and family meet at a neutral location like a park, and release flowers or seeds or balloons.
However, if you are considering a balloon release, please know that it affects the wildlife in your area, and can kill them. Balloons are a wonderful way to celebrate life, but a release comes at a cost.
I’ve been to a few where we have a sort of wake and eat food and just enjoy each other. I’ve also been to others where it is a more formal ceremony, with note writing, memories given, feelings shared, and lots of tears. It’s 100% up to you to have or not.
Food is one of the best ways to remember. Mostly because it opens us up, gives us something to do instead of just talk and feel. You can find a special dish or something you craved during pregnancy, and every time you eat that or have that or even just see that, you remember your baby.
In line with that, picking something special to remember your baby can be such a healing thing.
Memorial necklaces, keychains, paintings, and more are all options. Etsy has hundreds of people that make them, and they feel personal and filled with love.
Pick an animal or object or shape that relates to your baby or you feel embodies your baby. My earlier losses I feel connected to them when I blow wishes, or the dandelion seeds. Two others are a when I see a blue dragonfly or a butterfly. A dear friend sees swirls around and knows that’s her baby saying hi. I read a thing years ago that said that every time you see a coin on the road it’s your baby saying hello. It can be anything. And you don’t have to tell anyone, it can be secret to you.
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Below are the three handouts as image files that are free to download. Simply click the image to be taken to the file. If you wish to have higher quality PDFs, please visit my store for the file containing every handout in this series.
If you need a coupon code or the files for less than the $10 they sell for, please reach out to me.
If you wish to donate to my business to help those going through miscarriage, you can below as well.
